Email to my mama: This night has been typical - went to bed about 10:30 and woke up at 4:30. A little to early for my liking, but my body is awake and there's no going back to sleep now! A long time ago I asked you how it felt to be "shocky" as a type I diabetic. I kept pressing you and finally you said, "It feels like I'm dying." I've always remembered that. In retrospect and being older I realize you probably knew you weren't dying, but the feeling of hopelessness, combined with feeling your body out of whack and feeling out of control... that was the only thing you could compare it to. Because how do you really describe all that to someone and expect them to truly understand how you feel both physically and emotionally?
Well, I get it today. I woke up feeling like I was dying. Not actually - like today my time is up. But everything combined: the nasty headache, the scalp burn from prolonged radiation treatment, my face muscle aching (the one they scraped off my skull during surgery and reattached), mouth sores and dry mouth from chemotherapy, legs and hand muscles cramping, night sweats, my right eyeball sore like I'm getting pink eye,... All my woes decided to dog pile on top of me this morning at 4:30 a.m. and I feel it, both physically and emotionally. I knew you'd understand, and it's too early to call (plus I'd just cry like a baby on the phone) so thanks for listening to my "early morning blues." I love you more than I can express, mom! Love, Rapunzel
3 Comments
Lisa
6/26/2016 07:29:34 pm
I wish I could take some of this from you. You can call me early mornings too. Or at midnight or anytime
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Jessica
6/27/2016 03:50:13 am
4am your time is a totally reasonable 8pm here. When other family is asleep, I'm ready to chat! And google hangouts rings my phone....
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Elizabeth
7/7/2016 08:21:27 am
Love that you are chronicling the horribles and well as the successes. We need both to patchwork our lives together. Someday it will be a memory, I know, so good to feel it and live it and experience it while it's here, even though it's the pits. You are in our prayers.
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December 2020
About MeMy name is Andrea. I'm a Mormon mom in my 40's and I am fighting a rare type of brain cancer: Anaplastic Astrocytoma. |